Mercies In Disguise

I have never been more convinced that there are truly seasons of your faith than I am right now. My girls will laugh at me when they hear me say this, but it's true. It's something I tell others over and over again when they can't figure out why they feel so far away from God. Or why they feel like they suddenly can't hear him anymore. 


Who moved? Me, or Him?---HINT: God never leaves....




I didn't see this one coming. Talk about being blind sided after being blind sided. I guess I never realized after everything happened, how angry and bitter I would be toward my own creator. I mean, I was mad. But I never saw me hitting rock bottom like this. It has been a crazy last 10 weeks. I have built beautiful relationships with some in my life, abandoned others, and burned some relationships to the ground. I have hurt people I could have loved forever. I have scarred someone and took something that I can never give back. I have loved someone and relied on them so much that it pushed them away. 


But all these things are a direct response to one thing: I have been running hard and fast away from the only arms that will ever be able to hold me. 


I guess this entry is more like a public apology. To just say that I am sorry that I have been so blind. It took the last people I had, leaving me to make me understand that maybe this isn't God. Maybe this time it's me. I have all the answers for my girls on Sundays and on Wednesday nights, but I forget that I can apply those truths to my own life. That love that I tell them about is actually free for me to receive as well. 


I will continue to fail. I will stumble. I will fall. But the acting out? The blatant ignoring the voice of my Father? That is over. 


I sit here and look back at the girl I let the rape turn me into, and try and see who God wants to make me, through it. 


I tried to run, but He is still trying to make beautiful things out of the mess I've created. 


So, if you're reading this, I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart. For the plans I've canceled, the love I've run out on, the burdens I put on you, for the recklessness, the desperateness, for abandoning all of you. I am putting that girl in a box on the highest shelf, and I will not get that box back down again. 


Thank you for loving me through this. And for letting me find my own way out of this black hole. I'm just asking for a little patience and a little more love. I'll come out on the other side of this one. He is making sure of that. Stripping away everything that is taking my eyes off of Him. 


"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be silent." Exodus 14:14